Going Solo
Every child has a dream. Of perfect family love, togetherness rock solid parents, roof over all, happily ever after. Sometimes these dreams come unstuck. Because in cotemporary India, single parenthood is because of increasingly common, because of divorce, death or absence. Radha shed her abusive alcoholic husband after 18 years and three kids, and he has disappeared without a trace. Tina walked out on herroving husband, into her paternal home, with her two year old daughter. Sukumaran’s wife works as a nurse in the Gulf and comes home annually for 2 months; he has to care for their 8 year old son. Rehman lost his wife to a cancer and has two daughter under 12. Children if single parents can be victims or survivors, depending on how you handle them. The wrong way: When Bosco lost his wife who was a fun loving music aficionado, he did not let his children party for a year. No music was played at home. The name of the dear departed was never mentioned before the widower lest he break out in anguished tears. The children type toed in a circle of anxiety and guilt. He expected the whole family to stay stock still and pay homage to his dead mate. The right way: Meenakshi’s husband died in a care accident in front of her two older children (she has three). She gathered the reins of her household firmly, without the slightest trace of self pity and raised her children alone. She is doing a wonderful job of being both parent and bread winner. After the initial grieving, the children speak lovingly, admiringly and unselfconsciously about their father. They are secure and confident that they were, are and will be loved.
CHILDCENTRIC LIVING Each couple has to create living arrangements to suit its own circumstances. Perhaps the children spend the week with one parent, and visit the other on weekends and share vacations. Sometimes two children are split between parents. Both parents must stay faithful to the schedule. At the same time the children should be allowed be allowed more flexibility. Support one another as parents. Keep communication lies open between yourselves and the grandparents to avoid emotional blackmailing from the child. Never grill the child about the other parent’s toings and froings, or bad mouth the absent one which makes the child uncomfortable under either roof or resent the grumbler. The nest way of keeping the lover and respect of a child who has two homes is to keep him out of the crossfire. According to Dr. Spock, a danger is that sometimes in their teens, children may suddenly home providing parent and insist o living with the other. turn against the
THE ABSENT FATHER When a child has no father he or she is affected, come what may. You as a mother may feel justifiably lonely, bitter, angry and your moods can boomerang or your child. The only way is to get on with life, your life. Do not centre all your thoughts, affection on activities around your child. Keep in touch with friends, hobbies, recreation; carry on with your career. A happy welcoming home and a cheerful outgoing mother is what makes a child feel safe. Have fun with your children, but share their world, rather than having them share your tastes and interests, which makes for precocity. Bandra based Seetu Jagtiani is single parent to her children Vidur (9) and Mahika (31/2) for half the year when her husband, a second engineer in the Merchant Navy, is at sea. She says: “When Arun is a away, I’m on double duty. I have to switch off my peaceful and gentle side and be the stern disciplinarian. 11/2 years ago, I realised that this puzzled Vidur. I could hear his mind ticking: What happened to my sweet soft mother? He is confused, but I have no alternative. “I miss Arun most when the kids are ill. It’s good to have someone to make decisions with, to lean on and discuss: Should I call a doctor? Are the medicines working?” “Then Arun comes back and whee I am only the Nuturer, supervisor of homework, teller of stories and such. He is a fun hands on dad but insists on courtesy, consideration and a sense of responsibility. To start with he goes slow with Mahika, unitl she is used to having him around. “When Arun leaves for another long spell which in a child’s mind is forever, there are tears and defiance from Vidur. Instead of punishing him, I say “Daddy’s gone, I know your area sad. I miss him too. So does Mahika. But being troublesome will not help matters”.
5 TIPS FOR LONG DISTANCE DADS They key to staying close to home, even when you’re not there is to find new ways to be “with” your family. Here’s how to be a presence, even when you’re to present.
1 Do “Pop” quiz. When you’re away, balance every phone call with questions and stories. Ask your kids about their favourite music group, their best friends, their favourite food. This stuff changes from week to week. Then give them as good as you got with details from your travels. Your kid will get the message: “I’m thinking about you. You are my special person.”
2 Give them part of yourself. If you like music, mix a tape and send it to them. If you’re more visual, send photographs or a video, Pony up for twp digital cameras and swap e-mail images. It will clue them in on what you’re doing with your life.
3 Be together inefficiently. According to Frank Pittman M. D. a family therapist in Atlanta and author of Man Enough and Grow Up! When you’re at home the best thing to do is to get together with the kids and waste time.
4 Take them top work. “It’s extremely important for kids to know what their father is doing when he isn’t with them,” says Dr. Pittman. Take them to the office on a Saturday. Let them play with stuck at your desk, they’ll understand better.
5 Be there, even when you’re not there. Let them do something fun at home to mark each day you’re gone. Have them open a package a day, or send them an e-mail diary. Give them an adventure with you’re on yours. Remember: kids don’t need brilliance, enormous virtue, or great intelligence from you. According to Dr. Pittman. They simply need you. A loving presence provides a level of security that enables kids to feel safe in the world.
10 WAYS FOR TEENS TO STAY CLOSE TO AN ABSENT PARENT It is traumatic for any child to be separated from a parent. Even if you live in the same city, it’s tough to live wit one parent and bond effectively with the other.
- You may feel in some way responsible for your parents’ divorce. When you’re with one parent you may think that you’re missing something at the other parents’ home. As you get older, scheduled visits often conflict with your won activities, making you feel both guilty and resentful. Here area 10 ways to help you maintain closeness with a parent who is no longer apart of your everyday life.
- Decide how much time you can share wit your absentee parent, then make a commitment. You area busy with college, friends, work and your live in parent. What’s left over? Plenty, if you do a little planning. Consider a standing Thursday night dinner, a jog through the park followed by breakfast on Saturdays, a movie once a month. Don’t make it a chore, and be flexible about working around conflicting schedules.
- Avoid getting caught between your divorced parents. You are in a position to know a great deal about the personal lives of your mother and father. Be discreet. Let both parent know that you respect their privacy and have no intention of broadcasting privileged information. Parents learn quickly and as soon as they realize that the news blackout is permanent, everybody becomes more trusting.
- Be quick to use the phone and don’t keep score as to who owes whom a call, Sometimes the one sidedness in has nothing to do wit you. The absentee parent may just feel uncomfortable about your live in parent answering the phone.
- Issue verbal or email bulletins about your activities and invite your absentee parent to any special events you may be involved in. He or she misses you every much. It’s lonely not being included.
- Accept guidance from your absentee parent as long as it seems reasonable. Don’t flaunt your independence. Request advice, too.
- Show genuine interest in you absentee parents’ life. How is Dad’s job going? Is he worried about anything? Sincere questions will result in sincere answers. Let him know that love not gifts is what’s most important to you.
- Where disagreements arise, be willing to negotiate honestly and make concessions. It takes special skills and practice to resolve issues with a parent who has limited authority over you.
- Don’t feel disloyal to your live in parent if or friend. It’s okay to love three or four parents. It’s a win situation!
- Never be lulled into thinking that your relationship with an absentee parent will take care of itself. It requires effort.
Be prepared to give a lot, and you can expect a lot in return.
Every boy and girl needs a father figure or figure a or a combination one to demonstrate physical competence, adventurousness, assertiveness, new skills. Grandfather, your brothers and cousins, teachers, who see the child regularly are the best role models. A boy without a father needs the company of boys, in and out of school so open out your home to his buddies.
THE ABSENT MOTHER Businessman Sanjeev and Sonali’s marriage disintegrated without scandal or shouting, just by silence and a growing sense of separation. Sanjeev gave Sonali a flat, a hefty alimony, on condition that his son and daughter stayed with him. This was eight years ago. Sanjeev organize their meals, works, flexi time so he is at home when they return from school. Form 6 pm to 8 pm while he teaches Tai Chi as a hobby, the children are ferried to their mother, who supervises their homework. The children are confident and carefree. They fare well in school and excel at sports and music. Fathers have a more arousing influence on their children. As a working father you should try and reserve your after work hours for your children on a dependable regular schedule. Be lavish with love, touch and time (think Full House). Together time does not mean staying glued to the child. Chat, connect, eat together, but get on with your respective tasks and hobbies. Be definite and firm, specially with your daughters who are able to wrap you around their little fingers. Discipline is one of the most loving and desirable gifts that a father can give even if it’s a grounding or a smack. Entertain at home and take the child along if you’re socializing with another family. Learn lightly on your parents and siblings. Your child will create a mother image from photographs, memory, family stories and relationships with other appealing women.
NEW RELATIONSHIPS If you start to see other people of the opposite sex, your child can jump to the conclusion that you are trying to replace the other parent. “I can’t even speak softly on the phone in front of m tweenagers,” complains Anuradha, a divorce in her early 40s. “They bombard me with questions. They wait up for me with reproachful eyes whenever I go out. I always hurry home or call up often, even though my mother lives with me.”
Children as a rule are conservative, very judgemental and different. Ishita may express rivalry and jealousy about every female who appears on her father’s doorstep Sarita may become competitive with her mother for the attention of the male friend. Priyanka expresses eagerness for a new daddy, her sibling Preethi vociferously opposes it. Here are some guidelines for socializing and dating as a single parent.
- Be discreet and casual when receiving a new opposite sex friend in front of your children.
- Don’t apply newfound sexual freedom before them. Witnessing your infatuation with a gaggle of partners over a period of time can make your children conclude that they are losing their place in your heart, that you lack discrimination, are promiscuous, or that many affairs are better than they are.
- Never let your children see you in a physically affectionate situation which can be shocking.
- Don’t quake when your child is opposed to a new friend, nor exaggerate approval because your child wants a new parent.
- Don’t make constant comparisons, good or bad between the new friend and your ex.
- Don’t ask your children about the suitability of remarriage, while you have decided on the partner. Then you must tell, not ask.
- Many single parent families are successful in picking up the pieces and putting them together. Many things may change, but the family still remains a family, which is somehow even stronger for the children concerned.
