Do fireworks go off when you have an orgasm Or is your sex life something less than explosive? Don’t waste your tie wounding whether you’re normal: Ecstasy comes in a zillion shapes, sizes, oohs, and ahhs.
When Meg Ryan faked an orgasm at the deli in When Harry Men Sally, audiences were embrrassed and a little shocked. That was 1989. Today? Orgasms real ones are everywhere. The interns on Grey’s Anatomy seem to get off regularly, and Sex and the City’s Samantha (“When I RSVP to a party, I make it my business to come,” she once quipped) thrashed and moaned two nights a week in prime time! It’s enough to make the average woman feel like a bit of an underachiever. While we all suspect that endlessly orgasmic Samantha isn’t entirely “normal,” we’re not sure if we are, either.
The truth is, only one in four women regularly has an orgasm during intercourse and a third rarely or never do. This news may be reassuring or depressing. But what’s healthy when it comes to orgasms, anyway? In these pages, a sexual reality check and everything (well, almost everything) you’ll ever want to know about the Big O.
It isn’t easy come. Easy go It’s true that the female orgasm is definitely “hot,” says Doran Solot, a sex educator and co-author with her partner of the forthcoming I Love Female Orgasm; From “Right There” to “Of, Yeah!” and Everything in Between. “Once upon a time,” says Solot’s partner, Marchall Miller, “a ‘real man’ cared only about his own pleasure and ignored female orgasms entirely.” No more. And not a moment too soon, right? After all, there’s no question that orgasms are part of a healthy sex life. When the Earth moves, you’re working those muscles, releasing tension, and bonding with your partner all good things.
Yet even as top 10 lists and titillating TV shows give women’s orgasms the importance they’ve lacked for years, sex like Solot contend that pop culture doesn’t quite get it. For starters, women aren’t built like men (that’s no surprise). And when it comes to orgasm during intercourse, it can be quite a challenge getting all the good bits (the clitoris, in particular) lined up for pleasure. Kind of like Jupiter aligning with Mars. “The myth of the century is that all women should have orgasms from intercourse,” Solot says.
Julie Kasperson. 46, of Las Vegas knows the challenge firsthand. She can come during oral sex ore when being touched, but not during intercourse. “I used to talk endlessly with my girlfriends about it,” she says. “I’d wonder if there was something wrong, or if I wasn’t doing the right things.”
There’s nothing wrong with Kasperson, who, like 70 percent of women, isn’t regularly orgasmic during intercourse. Most women need clitoral stimulation to come, and that’s not automatic when your partner is inside you. “You can get it if the sexual position allows for friction,” says Laura Berman, PhD, assistant clinical professor of psychiatry and OB-GYN at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University. But it can take time and practice to the Chicago- based Berman Center, a health care facility that helps women improve their sex lives, recommends using a vibrator during intercourse to help you reach orgasm or trying another trick to boost your sexual satisfaction (see “12 Secrets to Better Orgasms”).
It’s also no secret that some women, some of the time, are satisfied with non-orgasmic sex. “Orgasm is not the pinnacle for all women,” says psychologist Dennis Sugrue, PhD, a past-president of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. “The usual mode suggests that if the orgasm doesn’t occur, somehow the sexual experience got derailed. I don’t think this does us service in terms of understanding women and their sexuality.”
In fact, many women tend to want intimacy and a sense of connection just as much as an orgasm or even more so. “That is very true,” says sex researcher Beverly Whipple, PhD, author of The Science of Orgasm. “You have to remember that whatever is pleasurable satisfying can be an end in itself.” The upshot: You don’t have an orgasm to get off. But if it’s an orgasm you want, expect the unexpected. “Orgasms are like snowflakes; every one is unique,” Solot says. “The can be more or less intense depending on a zillion factors, everything from the kind of stimulation to how long the buildup to how connected you’re feeling to your partner (or your vibrator).” The goal is to find our what you like and how to have it your way.
Pressure: A big turn-off The pressure that women feel to be orgasmic isn’t just coming from all the hot sex in the media. Miller says. It’s also a response to the urging of partners, some well-intentioned and some not. And that can odd up to a lot of pleasure-killing pressure. “Today, many guys measure their worth b whether they can make their girlfriend or wife come, and how many times,” Miller explains.
And some women deal with the pressure by faking orgasms. “There’s an epidemic of women who, for whatever reason perhaps mercy for an overenthusiastic partner are faking,” North western’s Berman says. “Men are getting a legacy of fakers in their path, so that with every new relationship, a guy says, ‘Every woman I’ve been with has reached orgasm with me, so what’s wrong with you?’”
Maybe that sound a little far-fetched, especially for committed couples who think they can talk openly about sex. But even if you’re happily married, there may be a level of honesty that can bring you closer, a level that only makes sex better. Sexologists say talking to your partner about orgasm what works, what doesn’t, why having one may not matter is an essential part of a healthy sex life.
Johnson used to be really shy about opening up with her partner when it came to her intimate needs. But she discovered that talking with other women really helped.
Get your head in the game Let’s assume that orgasm is a part of life you don’t want to lice without, whether or not you have one every time. The key to unlocking your potential, sexologists say, may be what’s happening between your ears, not your thighs, “Orgasm can be more a mental response than a physical one,” says Yvonne K. Fulbright, MS, a sex educator and author of Touch Me There! A Hands On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.
Indeed, recent research suggests that how emotionally connected you are with your partner can affect the quality of your orgasm. So whether you’re going to have an orgasm and whether you’re actually gin got feel good about the one you have may have may have as much to do with how you feel about your partner and yourself as it does with whether everything’s strummed and caressed and coddled in the proper fashion (although that doesn’t hurt, either).
Feeling badly about yourself and your sexuality can be a self fulfilling prophecy. Let’s say, for instance, you think you peaked sexually in your 20s or 30s and your body will never achieve the same level of satisfaction. Those negative thoughts can sabotage your brain and body so that you miss out on decades of pleasure.
“Orgasm is the most vulnerable you can be in front of someone else,” Berman says. “If you don’t feel safe, if you feel bad about your body, or guilty, it can be difficult for you to let go and release yourself to experience orgasm.” But if you think of orgasms as something important and wonderful regardless of your age or whether they’re earth shattering explosions or just tiny blips, then ooh la. Even a 2006 Swedish study backs it up: Women of all ages who thought sex was important actually had orgasms more often.
The myth of the century (other than Bigfoot): All women must have orgasms during intercourse. Pop culture doesn’t quite get it. When in comes to orgasm during intercourse, it can be quite a challenge getting all the good bits (the clitoris, in particular) Why __ Oh, Why? Nobody knows for sure why women have orgasms, but here the top theories.
Reproduction. No doubt about it: Men’s orgasms are crucial to reproductive success. Their muscle contractions get the sperm where it needs to go. But women’s? Not so, according to most of the scientific community. While it might seem that a female orgasm is sucking the sperm toward the egg, there’s really no proof.
Bonding. Some doctors now think that the female orgasm may release oxytocin, a chemical that bonds women to their partners. Valuable, right?
Evolution. Could it be that the only reason women have orgasms is because men do? This theory holds that because men and women share an embryonic plan before differentiating into two sexes, both got the O card. That’s called the evolutionary or by-product account, says Elisabeth Lloyd, PhD, a biology professor at Indiana University and author of The Case of the Female Orgasm: Bias in the Science of Evolution. “I think it should be called the fantastic bonus account,” Lloyd says. Sounds good to women.
Just for fun? Some feminists don’t like Lloyd’s idea, thinking that it trivializes women’s orgasms. But Lloyd disagrees: “Saying female orgasm is not important to evolution isn’t saying it’s not important to evolution isn’t saying it’s not important to culture.” Besides, “if orgasm is divorced from reproductive sex, that gives free rein to have sex any old way you like,” she explains. Still, if women’s orgasms don’t help make babies, does that mean they could go the way of the dinosaur? Not a chance. “We’ll have orgasms,” Lloyd says, “as long as men do.” Oh, yes.
12 Secrets To Better Orgasms
1. Hit the spots. A friction position may help you have an orgasm during intercourse. Get on top, for example, so the top of your clitoris is rubbing directly on your partner’s public bone. Or lay on your back with a pillow underneath your butt. You may even want to try using a vibrator during intercourse, says Laura Berman, PhD assistant clinical professor of psychiatry and OB-GYN at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University. She recommends the Athena and the Aurora, both available at
2. Take the talk. “Men really want direction,” Berman says. Let your partner know when he’s on the right track, either b telling him what feels great or by moaning.
3. Learn on your own. You can’t talk the talk if you don’t know what turns you on. “To train your body to be orgasmic, you have to masturbate,” says Danielle Cavallucci, a sex coach with sex information company Sexuality Source.
4. Exercise your orgasm muscles. “Kegels are the classic exercise for women who want to transform feeble orgasms into fabulous ones,” sex educator Dorian Solot says. Locate these muscles in your pelvic floor by stopping yourself from peeing midstream. Then tone them by clenching when you’re not peeing. Do Kegels every day. Ideally a few times a day. And keep breathing while you squeeze.
5. Get risky. Research shows that engaging in thrill seeking behaviors together (whether it’s rock climbing or just going to see a scary movie) stimulates dopamine in the brain, which gets your juices flowing.
6. Delay the pleasure. “The longer the arousal buildup, the bigger the explosion,” Solot says. Get yourself close to orgasm, then slow to a simmer. Repeat that a few times before you climax.
7. Focus on breathing. Tantric sex may sound new-agey, but its centric tenet-focused breathing-may boost your pleasure. “You can use your breath to channel your sexual energy,” sex educator Yvonne Fulbright says. Partners who breathe in tandem may slow the rush to orgasm and create a bigger buildup, which can intensify pleasure.
8. Explore erotica. Porn isn’t all about big penises and deep throats. Erotic movies and books can be tasteful and arousing, and the more aroused you area, the better your orgasm chances. Berman and Fulbright suggest the Candida Royale films the sex scenes are steamy, and there’s a plot. Berman also recommends literature like the Herotica series, in which women are the lead characters.
9. Try creative foreplay. If it takes you longer than your partner to warm up. Fulbright says, get a head start by emailing or texting each other sexy messages (but don’t get too graphic email is not necessarily private).
10. Check your meds. Women are more likely than men to take antidepressants, which are known to hurt a person’s sex life. If you’re having trouble, talk to your doctor about your meds.
11. Get help early. If you’re not orgasmic, advice from a pro may be helpful. Nerve damage or low testosterone could be the problem. “Your doctor can do a medical evaluation,” Berman says, “or look at relationship factors.” To find a sex Association for Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists at
12. Relax. In a recent French study of 500-plus women, more than 70 per cent said work stress compromised their sex drive. A low libido, obviously, lowers chances of orgasm. So ditch life’s distractions at your bedroom door.
The Story Of O: Myths, Multiples, And More Here’s what’s happening inside your body when the Earth moves and why An orgasm is a rush of pleasure that usually comes from contractions of the muscles in the vagina, anus, and abdomen. It can feel like light pops, waves, vibrations, an explosion, or anything in between.
During an orgasm, several areas in your brain are active, leading to the release of the hormones serotonin and oxytocin. Experts believe this could lead to a boost in happiness, bonding with your partner, or a reduction in strees.
Orgasm intensity varies from time to time and from person to person. Hormones may play a role, sexologists say. Some women report feeling more desire at certain points in their cycle, which could make an especially satisfying orgasm more likely.
The difference between clitoral and vaginal orgasms is where you are being stimulated. These orgasms may feel very different to some women fuller and deeper during intercourse, say, but more focused on your genitals if you masturbate by touching your clitoris. But experts say what’s going on in your body is about the same. It’s all caused by clitoral stimulation.
“Though the tip is usually the most sensitive part by far, research shows that most of the clitoris is erectile tissue inside a woman’s body,” explains sex educator Dorian Solot. “So when internal stimulation feels good, it’s the nerves and erectile tissue of the clitoris that are being stimulate. Now that we understand this, we realize there’s really only one kind of orgasm.” (A man, by the way, can have an orgasm if his penis or his prostate is stimulated. The sensation is usually, but not always, strongest in the genital area. “Men are more similar that way than women,” says sex researcher Beverly Whipple, PhD, professor emerita at Rutgers University.)
The G-spot may be a hot spot or not. Also known as the urethral sponge, the G-spot is an area about 2 inches inside the vagina toward the belly side. It wraps around the urethra, swelling with fluid during arousal. If sufficiently stimulated, it can be felt through the vaginal wall. But it doesn’t always feel good. (The G-spot got its name from American gynecologist Ernst Grafenberg.)
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