Unlike the Spartan away from home, depressed people have a tendency to feel guilty, which makes them particularly vulnerable to those who know how to control them by activating their guilt. Because they often suffer from the assumption that they are somehow in the wrong, they are easily convinced that they are at fault in any situation, regardless of the facts.
A 39-year-old woman consulted a psychiatrist because she had been feeling hopeless and suicidal off and on for several months. "My husband said there was something wrong with me. We have terrible fights. He told me I was wrecking our marriage and if I didn't straighten out he'd have to leave me."
Over the next few sessions, the following impression of her husband emerged: rigid, opinionated, a man who demanded a high level of performance from himself and who was unceasingly critical of his wife. At one time or another he accused her of not being a competent housekeeper, of failing to discipline the children adequately, of not entertaining enough, of being uninterested in him sexually. When she would become upset and cry, he would accuse her of being emotionally unstable. "Is he right? Am I a complete failure? Am I all these awful things he says I am?"
The psychiatrist insisted on meeting her husband to get a clearer picture of the interaction. During the entire visit her husband acted more as though he were a colleague of the doctor's rather than the husband of the patient. "What can we do for her, doctor? She's too sensitive. Of course I think highly of her-I love her. She really seems very depressed. Do you think she's seriously ill? There's a history of mental illness in her family, you know. Or perhaps she didn't tell you." He denied that he had done or said anything that could have been upsetting to her. "There's nothing wrong with me. I don't have to come to see you or anyone else." And he declined to make another appointment.
Within 2 months, the patient reported that her husband was now angrily complaining about the length and cost of her therapy. He had also claimed that he was in regular contact with her therapist for" progress reports," which he was not. He dropped remarks like "Your doctor told me you're not doing enough to help yourself." His antagonism to her treatment appeared just as the patient herself was recovering some of her self-esteem and becoming better able to fend off his criticism of her.
Guilt-makers are not always so blatant in such efforts to make a husband, a wife, parent, child, or co-worker feel dreadful about himself or herself. Frequently the interaction occurs in a much subtler fashion. "Look how unhappy you are making your mother feel," "Why can't you be more grateful for all we've done for you?" and similar remarks made at the right moment, in the right tone of voice and with the right nonverbal backup, are often enough to keep slightly depressed people article to the will and control of guilt-makers. Such maneuvering can sometimes be so subtle that some therapists have resorted to videotaping families to show them the destructive quality in their communication patterns.
What motivates guilt-makers? Most of the time they are totally unaware of their effect on others, since the motivation for that effect is buried too many layers below their awareness. Sometimes guilt-makers are sadistic, deriving a certain amount of pleasure from making their victims squirm. Sometimes making others feel guilty is a way of discharging their own guilt, which may originate from problems into which they have little or no insight. Finding someone else to blame relieves them temporarily of their own tension and distress. Sometimes their behavior is rooted in envy and competitiveness: by making other people feel incompetent and guilty, they can then feel more capable themselves. Sometimes the goal of their behavior is simply to control.
Guilt-makers rarely come to the therapist's office except to vindicate themselves. As a rule, they have too little insight. As long as they have someone to blame and control, they can protect themselves more or less effectively against experiencing depression. It is their victims who often end up depressed, feeling "I can never do anything right," and "It's all my fault."
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