SPARE THE ROD! And Stop there! The other half of this hoary axiom (“…..and spoil the child”) has gone out with “Children should be seen but not heard.” Time was when children were belted on their bottoms, whipped on their palms, thwacked on their faces. You’ve probably been a victim yourself. And perhaps you say: “I’ve been hit and I’m fine.” Well, well. And plenty of people who have been unscathed in their youth are also fine. Yet confronted by a tantrum or bad behavior you may raise your hand to smack your child. Contemporary thinking frowns on hitting for man reasons.
WHY NOT TO HIT According to Child Psychiatrist and author. Dr. Parvin Dadachanji
1 It dose not make them good You’ve seen children who are slapped and spanked who remain badly behaved just like chronic criminals who incarcerated for years in jail, only to come back and perform another heinous crime. After being spanked a child bursts with feelings of revenge which dose not provoke attentive behavior. It is far better to think and dole out a consequence which will help the child to learn and alternative behavior Reema worked out an after school timetable with Rinky’s input rather than slapping the 10 year old for leaving her homework for the nth hour before bedtime.
2 It makes them mad Children who have been whipped into submission may seem compliant on the surface, but are seething inside. Bobby’s anger manifests itself by beating up he neighbor’s dog when his parents aren’t looking. Binnie agonises that she us unloved. Beaten children become insensitive and distrustful, even in later years.
3 It can make you lose control And that’s not pretty. A tap on a toddler’s becomes a slap on your preschoolers’ arm, becomes blows on a tweenie’s entire body. You are provoked, you say, and helpless to rein in your hands.
4 It may lead to more hits If you slap your child for slapping his small sister, you are giving him the message that it is all right, to be hit. So he in turn becomes a bully and uses fisticuffs on everybody else domestics, classmates, even the self same small sister behind your back. As well as his own kids when he has them.
5 It could cause bad feelings in both members Yaba, who was slapped regularly, feels so worthless and deserving of the slap, that she grows into a wife who is regularly beaten. Mohan, who has whacked his son merely fore refusing to wear a silk kurta for a wedding, is wracked with feelings of quilt, and over compensates with gifts and goodies. He says “It hurts me more than it hurts you.”
6 It could bring back bad memories When your child is all gown up, will she remember how you taught her cycling, and made her the best charts for school, or will she fixate on the tines you used a ruler on her hands for losing her trainers, for getting willfully wet in the rain, for whining at mealtimes? Chances are that the humiliation and hurt endures more than the happy times. And that you will remember the piteous wails and tear stained face forever and always.
7 It sends wrong messages Richard Templar, author of The Rules of Parenting says say that the child can think that Hitting people is a way of getting what you want. Grown-ups can be pushed over the edge into aggression A cold blooded thrashing means a cold blooded thought process. To quote Templar: “If you’re going to smack your child a lot he may not turn into a delinquent, but you’re going to damage him emotionally. If you’re hardly going to smack your child, why do it at all? If you start smacking your child, when will your stop? If your child needs a good smack now and again, he’s definitely the kind that never should be smacked.”
ON THE OTHER HAND….. Dr. R. K. Anand, Health and Nurtition panelist and author of the revised edition of ‘Guide to Child Care’s says. “I am against physical punishment, which should not be consistently used to modify behavior. However, parents need not be filed with remorse if, by chance, they hit the child in response to the latter’s indiscipline.” Dr. Leon Pereira, Hawaiian based psychotherapist, believes that one timely smack on the hand is justified, to stop behavior that affects a child’s safety, like leaving your hand and running across the road. Dr. Spock, the world renowned Baby Doctor feels that if parents stop themselves from a slap, they may nag the child for half the day to make him feel guilty. Without advocating spanking he feels that it is less poisonous than lengthy disapproval, because it clears the air. There is a faction that advocates never spanking in anger but when you have cooled off. “This seems unnatural” says Dr. Speck. “It takes a pretty grim parent to whip a child when the anger is gone.”
SO WHY DO PARENTS HIT THEIR KIDS? (1) Out of frustration. (2) To teach a lesson. (3) To make them realize that bad behavior is not allowed. (4) To stop them from doing forbidden things. (5) Because it is a quick and easy way out. (6) Because they are angry about something else, with somebody else.
SELF HELP So what do you do if you feel the bile rising and you know you’re about to use your hands to bad effect? Richard Templar suggests: “Learn to recognize the signs as early as possible so that you still have time to choose a different, response. “Failing that run. Fast. Take yourself out of the situation until you can hack it. Call it “Time Out” for parents. Return to a safe distance out of earshot if necessary until you have calmed yourself and trust yourself to enter the fray. By which time they will have got over the tantrum.”
HOW NOT TO SPOIL THE CHILD 1 Be firm and friendly Dr. Spock believes that every child needs to know that their parents have their own rights, know how to be firm, won’t let them be rude or unreasonable. They like you better this way because they realize their limits. Clear boundaries keep them firmly on track.
2 Be consistent, too with rules and guidelines. If you laugh at a child’s sassy attitude one day, and blow your top about it another, you’re giving crossed signals which create mental confusion. Once you’ve made a rule, stay with it unless you’re going to change it forever, not every week, not every week, not every month. Repeat it several times to register the message in a small child.
3 Don’t make hollow threats which are silly and destroy authority. Examples: “If you don’t keep your bicycle off the road, I’ll take it away”, “If you don’t tidy your room, no TV for a month”, “If you don’t go bed, the bogeyman will get. You.” They’ll never take notice of your threats if you never see them through or take back a penalty before it is paid.
4 Present a Joint Front Don’t contradict your spouse to be undermine the other. Whatever one of you says, the other must agree if asked to arbitrate, or your child will end up becoming manipulative.
5 Punish sensibly According to Dr. Spock this serves as a vigorous reminder that you feel strongly about what you say. The best test is whether it has accomplished what you are after, without
6 Let the punishment fit the crime For example, if teeth are not brushed in the night no sweets for the next day Half an hour early to bed for the week if a deadline is broken by half an hour.
7 Set a time-out chair or corner where the child sits in solitary confinement, for one minute for each hour of age.
8 Ignore An Edinburgh study shows that this is far more effective than smacking.
9 For small fry use gestures, facial expressions and “No” firmly with a few words “You could get hurt” or “This does not belong to you.” Then redirect to something else as a diversion.
10 Don’t encourage rebellion by taking a hungry and tired child on long tedious shopping trips, which will make them cranky and avaricious.
11 Praise when they stay in line whether it’s staying within a deadline, tidying the room, doing their Home Work without yelling for help, being loving to grandparents. Choose positive pats-on-the-back words such as ‘thoughtful’, careful’ ‘brave’, whatever. This will make them learn that they don’t have to misbehave to get your attention.
12 Sweeten the stick Say that they can choose their dinner if they put, away their toys. Or you that will set a new deadline if your teen comes home in time for a whole month.
13 Accept apologies for bad behavior and a promise to modify it without going into the bad behaviors. Let them know that they are loved and back into your affection, that you appreciate the “Sorry” and have the ability to recognize the wrongdoing Discuss the problem when you’re both in a better mood at a later date, without doing it to death, and bringing up past issues, which teens will misconstrue as nagging. Apologize yourself when you realize that the anger you felt after a row with your mother-in-law was misdirected towards the child.
(10) WAYS IN WHICH YOU MAY CONFUSE YOUR CHILD 1 Your never carry out a threat. Such as: You can’t go to Kush’s party because you sent your tuition teacher away” but you send her anyway, because she will lose out on being popular in the gang.
2 You scold, but never make the child do what you said he had to do. Such as paying out of his allowance for cleaning the carpet that he ruined with Fevicol.
3 You make her obey once, but five minutes later let her get away with it. Let’s say she apologizes for being cheeky, but you allow her to use bad language with your spouse, because you feel that she will love you more.
4 You keep shouting at the child that he is very very bad, will become a criminal and more. The negative words and expletives become a self fulfilling prophecy.
5 You ask your neighbor in front of the child after he’s broken her window, whether she’s ever seen such a devil, because you are secretly pleased that your son is acting out all the high spirits that you had to bottle up when you were young. The boastful tone in your voice makes him want to be forever wild.
6 You laugh in the middle of a scolding or punishment, say when you’ve put your child in a corner.
7 You expect the behavior, such as copying in school, to go on and on and do nothing effective about it, until one sad day she is expelled.
8 You send your child to his room with his signature on a bad report card which is no punishment at all because the room is replete with amusements.
9 You go on suppressing your anger until you explode so violently that you are guilt ridden for ages.
10 You give too many reasons which can provoke “But why?” responses that are endlessly exasperating: “Let Granny nap when you visit her” … “Because she needs a break”… “Because she will feel stronger when she wakes.”
