Your rights as a human being that, is. Self-assertiveness is nothing more-or less than that.
In the last issue, we considered three of the pathways to self-esteem that involve relationships with others (Close friends and Support; Intimacy ; Boundaries in Relationships). In this issue, we look at the fourth pathway to self-esteem involving interpersonal relationships: Self Assertiveness.
While self-assertive ness is a component of self-esteem, it’s also true that assertiveness is best nurtured on the Ground soil of self-esteem. That is, assertiveness will come more easily, more naturally to you when you have a healthy amount of self-esteem. If your self-esteem is poor (Check it out in the J -minute test – ::ee Box), then it’s important that
you first work on building self-esteem. The last 3 columns have dealt with the different in ways in which you can do this. As you practise the steps outlined in them, you will find that, with every passing day , week and month, you increasingly respect. value, and care for yourself, where formerly you focused mostly on your limitations and weaknesses, your fear of failure and of rejection , your inner anxieties, all of these feeding a sense of inferiority and a poor self-image. As these crippling fears and doubts diminish, and as your attitude towards your se lf grows more nurturing and supportive. you become, to that extent. increasingly aware that there are definite rights that you (and every human being) possess, and more willing to act in ways that ensure these rights arc validated. The rights talking about include:
The right to say "No".
The right to make your own decisions.
The right to be listened to.
The right to make mistakes.
The right to consideration from others.
The right to dignity.
The right to contribute.
And, as you become more and more willing to ‘assert’ these rights, you’ re becoming, in other words, more ‘self-assertive .
So, to all those readers who have c-mailed me queries about how to impress others, gain self-confidence, succeed at interviews, I would say : start working on raising your self esteem.
Without that, you may try to fake assertiveness – many people do , pretending confidence when they’re trembling inside ~ but believe me, you can ‘t keep up that kind of thing for too long. Human beings can be startlingly perceptive about other human beings. seeing through the masks they are wearing – and this has nothing to do with education or sophistication.
The bottom-line: Self-assertiveness ~ being a by-product of self-esteem – must come from inside you , not from outer trappings.
That said, however, there are indeed ways in which you can actively push along the process towards self-assertiveness, and that’s the focus of this column.
AGGRESSIVENESS VS ASSERTIVENESS
But, first an important caveat. For many people, se lf-assertiveness has a negative
connotation because it’s very often confused with aggressiveness, with "getting my own way". It’s even a common mistake to think that a person is being assertive when she demands, shouts, bangs his there fist on the table. This is certainly aggressive behavior – but aggressiveness is as far removed from assertiveness as black is from white. In fact, they are such poles apart, that you can take it as a rule of thumb that a person whose normal style is aggressiveness is not an assertive person , and has a problem of poor self-esteem. Indeed, an aggressive person is trying to enhance hi s/her own poor self-esteem by acting authoritarian, bossy or arrogant. She is trying to force respect, generally
by doing a very effective Terminator impersonation. That kind of approach may get people to do what you want, or to let you have your way, not from respect, but from fear.
Unlike aggressiveness. assertiveness does not involve intentionally hurting the other person, physically or emotionally. The assertive person can say ‘no’ without making it sound boorish . The assertive person gels the respect of others by giving respect. When you’re assertive, you don’ t need to raise your voice to get what you want because there’ s something about your voice that says you expect to be taken seriously. Whereas aggressiveness has an underlay of anxiety, assertive ness has an underlay of confidence.
Above all , assertiveness does not mean always getting what you want. It means that you are confident enough to express what you want. It means you arc not afraid to le people know where you stand on an issue. Assertive people know they have a right to their opinion and are unafraid to let others have the same right. Rather than ‘·winning the battle" by putting the other person down, assertive behavior aims to equalize the balance of power. Because assertiveness considers the wants and needs of everybody. an assertive encounter with another person (especially in a situation of potential conflict) may involve negotiating an agreeable compromise andlor problem-solving. it’s about-finding win-win solutions.
STEPS TO SELF ASSERTIVENESS
Assertive behavior involves skills that anybody can learn and maintain through frequent practice. While it is best learnt through assertiveness training from a skilled professional , here are some pointers that an help. As you will not… ice, .. most of them relate to body. language.
Communication experts tell us that only 10% of our "communication" is through word me rest comes from body language – the bodily postures. postures and facial expressions by which a person communicates non-verbally with others. And body language begins to "speak" the instant you step into the presence of another person. From the eye blink- to the shoulder shrug, from the Adam’s-apple-jump to the cracked knuckles, the minutiae of non-verbal cues instantly bespeak assertiveness – or the lack of it.
Eye Contact. When you maintain eye contact with the other person. It shows you are self-assured and interested; it commands respect. Studies have confirmed that there is more direct gaze when people like each other and cooperate; and. conversely. that people make less eye contact when they dislike each other or disagree. Looking away is seen as evasive. Looking down is generally seen as a sign of weakness or disinterest.
On the other hand, avoid a relentless. Basilisk-stare. Holding eye contact too long can be intimidating. Your eyes should be on the other person’s about 80% of the time.
Distance. You should neither be too far from, nor too close to. the other person. Learn what is the most comfortable distance for you. Allow yourself enough room to feel at ease and to move if and when necessary. Try always to approach someone directly (and not to sidle up to them). Then sit or stand directly in front of them. Do not be afraid to move chairs to a position where you will be more equal. When you’ re sitting, lean slightly forward, rather than away from the other person. "Bending away". which increases physical distance, as well as other gross postural shifts, often betray negative feelings. This is what "proxemics" is all about – watch that space!
Posture. Upright posture suggests strength. Sit and stand straight – but not ramrod straight… you’ll look stiff and nervous. Try to be at the same physical height as the other person. If the other person is sitting in a higher chair, you may decide to stand up. If you are both standing and the other person is taller, why not suggest sitting?
Walk steadily, holding your back straight and your head up. Relax your shoulders and spread your weight evenly on both legs.
Standing off balance (especially with your hands clasped behind your back) is a non-assertive posture.
Sitting or standing with hunched shoulders or bowed head suggest defeat or submissiveness. In its standard , thumbs-backward position, the hands-on-hips
posture is an aggressive stance.
Crossed arms and elbows pulled tightly into the body may reveal acute nervousness or chronic anxiety. Overall, your posture should show attentiveness and respect – but not deference, fear or anxiety. It should say that you’ re comfortable, but also alert and confident.
Hand gestures. It’s no exaggeration that our hands have even more to say about us than our faces. They are such gifted communicators, say body-language experts, that they always bear watching – what you do with your hands can be dead giveaways to how you’re fee ling. We respond to hand gestures with extreme alertness. There’ s a scientific reason for that dedicated nerve cells in our primate brain respond exclusively to hand outlines, positions and shapes .
A firm handshake is an assertive gesture. But that does not mean a bone-crusher or an arm-twister. The gold standard is: palm to palm, a firm grip, and two or three pumps up and down, delivered while looking into the other person’s eyes. This combines two assertive gestures. actually. And this is also where someone with low self-esteem who’s trying to cover it up with a "good handshake" may come undone. May be he can make his grip firm. but his eye contact will most likely be off. Some of our natural personality invariably leaks through!
But, above all. avoid the dead-fish handshake. It instantly says: ‘Wimp!’ Also, avoid holding the other person’s hand too long because this comes across a, threatening: or aggressive.
Quick. jerky movement~ of the hand … can belie d calm interior or voice.
Too much hand-waving in the air connote, nervousness…….. ,
So does running your hand through your hair.
Limp, wavering, fidgety, fluttery, clammy, palms-up in a “who-me” type of gesture all these kind of hands hand movements are the hallmarks of non-assertiveness.
Clenched fists, finger pointing, fist pounding, abrupt are characterized by relaxed motions, that’s all.
Voice tone. Your tone of voice should agree with (i.e., match) the message for it to be effective. If you’re saying to your employer, “I would like to discuss a raise”, but your voice is quavery, you can see how a statement that’s assertive in its content is belied by a non-assertive tone.
On the same lines, don’t mumble or whine a grievance or a difference of opinion.
Your tone of voice should be level and calm, but also clear, audible and firm.
Facial Expression. Similarly , your facial express ion should match what you’ re saying. Using the same example, if your voice is asserting, ‘Td like to discuss a raise for myself’, but your facial express ion is coy. your "assertive" statement gets incalculably diluted.
Some people smile to disguise nervousness or when expressing anger. This again gives rise to a mixed message or ‘body leakage’. a clue that gives away the real feelings of the speaker despite the attempts to control and disguise them.
Grooming and Appearance. Your appearance says a lot about how you feel about yourself. Feeling good about your appearance can help to encourage assertive feelings. This is nothing to do with being ‘trend) . or dressing up to please others. Finding a personal style. discovering things that express your personality and make you fee l comfortable and confident do not need a lot of money or time ,just a belief that
you are worth knowing and caring about. And. aren’t you? "I" Statements. The heart of assertive communication is the "I" Statement. It stands in stark. contrast to the "You"
Statement. So, what are ”I"’ Statements and "You" Statements all about? "You" Statements are statements that blame or criticize the other person for something that person is doing (or not doing) which hurts or angers us. (Examples: "You never listen to a word I say’·. or "Your room is like a pig sty! ")
While implying that the other person’ s behavior is responsible for the way we are feeling, "You" Statements actually say nothing about how we are feeling about the upsetting behavior, and immediately put the other person on the defensive.
But the key LO assertive communication is that it is about us – our feelings, our needs, or wants. How. then . is another person going to understand how "I" feel about a situation if I am talking only about "You"?
By using "I" Statements and explaining how we feel, we are giving the other person the opportunity to empathise with us and to understand our side of the situation.
So what do " I" Statements look like? There arc 4 parts to an " I" Statement:
1. Describe what you feel
"I feel really frustrated … "
2. Describe the troubling behavior
", .. when you don ‘t listen while /’m talking."
3. Reinforce the message. (Optional, but it helps to establish empathy) "I feel as if my contribution is not valued. "
4. Suggest what you would like to happen. "I would like you to pay attention to me. "
The important thing is not that you begin every sentence
with the word " I", but that you let the person know, in
language which is natural to you, about your feelings in the conflict.
All the statements that follow are "You" Statements (a few of them masquerading as "I" Statements). As an exercise in assertive communication, try converting these " You" Statements into genuine "I" Statements. Experiment with
your wording until you find what is natural for you.
1. You never time rime for family outings! "
2. I am sick and tired of your laziness"
3. You constantly criticize everything I do"
4. "When will you stop leaving your dirty socks around for
me to pick up ?"
5. "I can’t believe the way . you bitch about people behind
their backs"
6. " You get on my nerves ever time you slam ‘he door and
leave"
7. "You just don ‘t give a damn about me.’"
8. "Can’t you lower the volume on that zoo music of yours?"
9. "You’re a complete sexist pig-
10. "Why must you always be late for work?"
11. "When will you learn to keep the invoices properly
organized?"
12. “you’re just not a lean player"
Try practising the use of “I” Statements instead of "You" Statements whenever you are trying to communicate with someone else to ask for a change of behavior. At the same time, don ‘t lose sight of two additional, important aspects of assertive communication:
Be prepared to listen. Just as you expect the right to be heard, accept that the other person also has the right to be heard out, with courtesy and attention. Listening (not just ‘hearing’) shows honesty and a mature approach. An assertive person has the confidence to hear ‘the other side’.
Don’t manipulate or bully. Whining, pleading and/or trying to make the other person feel guilty are manipulative. Being sarcastic or threatening is bullying. Neither is assertive behavior.
As you make the journey towards self-assertiveness, you may find that you flounder and trip on the way. Don’ t let that stop you: it’s normal that this should happen. All you have to do is keep at it, because the more you practise behaving assertively, the more assertive you become. What you do is what you get!
Many of the issues/queries raised in the e-mails that readers have sent in since the self-esteem series began in the February 2007 issue, have been covered in the course of subsequent columns, including the present one.
However, there is still a big backlog of queries. Since there is much overlap in their content, I will answer a few representative ones in my next column, which will be devoted entirely [Q readers’ e-mails on "self esteem", and which will wind up the series on this particular topic.
THE 1-MINUTE SLFT-ASSERTIVENESS TEST
Answer yes ‘ or ‘no ‘ to the following statements. A total of 10+ yes’ answers suggests a need to practice assertiveness.
DO YOU:
1 Feel self-conscious If someone watches you do something?
2. Hesitate to ask others for help?
3. Avoid questioning people In authority?
4. Feel uncomfortable speaking up in a group if your opinion differs from the majority?
5. Ever say. "I hate to bother you but . . . "
6. Feel people take advantage of you?
7. Not turn down a friend who asks you to do something you do not really want to do?
8. Complain to your friends rather than talk to the person with whom you have a problem?
9. Avoid protesting against something you consider unfair?
10. Have trouble starting a conversation?
11. Have trouble using "I" Statements?
12. Have trouble talking about you r achievements?
13. Swear at or bad-mouth others?
14. Feel uncertain about your own ideas?
15. Hesitate to express your feelings?
16. Apologize for your feelings?
17. Avoid problems rather than solve them?
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